안 읽은 메시지 / 샐리 루니 (2)

  18살 때, 아일린은 더블린에 있는 대학에 들어가 영문학을 공부했다. 신입생 시절 앨리스 켈러라는 여자아이와 친구가 됐고, 다음해 둘은 룸메이트가 됐다. 앨리스는 목소리가 매우 컸다. 몸에 안 맞는 중고 옷을 입고 다녔으며, 모든 것에서 웃긴 것을 찾아내는 듯 보였다. 앨리스의 아버지는 알코올 중독 문제가 있는 자동차 정비공이었다. 그녀는 만만치 않은 어린시절을 보냈다. 같은 교실 또래들 사이에선 쉽게 친구를 찾지 못했고, 강사를 ‘파시스트 돼지’라고 불러 작은 징계를 받게 됐다. 

 

  At eighteen, Eileen went to university in Dublin to study English. In her first year, she struck up a friendship with a girl named Alice Kelleher, and the following year they became roommates. Alice had a very loud speaking voice, dressed in ill-fitting secondhand clothes, and seemed to find everything hilarious. Her father was a car mechanic with a drinking problem and she’d had a disorganized childhood. She did not easily find friends among their classmates and faced minor disciplinary proceedings for calling a lecturer a “fascist pig.”

  대학에서 아일린은 모든 과제 텍스트를 참을성 있게 읽었고, 매번 마감에 맞춰 과제를 제출했다. 시험을 철저히 준비했다. 그녀는 자신이 받을 수 있는 거의 모든 학술 상을 모았다. 심지어 전국 에세이 상을 받기도 했다. 동아리를 꾸렸고, 나이트클럽에 나가, 여러 남자 친구들의 권유를 거절했으며, 그 후 집에 돌아와 거실에서 앨리스와 토스트를 먹었다. 

 

  Eileen went through college patiently reading all the assigned texts, submitting every project by the deadline, and preparing thoroughly for exams. She collected almost every academic award for which she was eligible and even won a national essay prize. She developed a social circle, went out to night clubs, rejected the advances of various male friends, and came home afterward to eat toast with Alice in the living room.

 

  아일린이 2학년 때, 사이먼은 변호사 시험에 필요한 자격증 공부를 위해 더블린으로 왔다. 아일린은 어느날 밤 그를 아파트에 초대해 앨리스를 소개했다. 사이먼은 비싼 초콜릿 한 상자와 화이트와인 한 병을 들고 왔다. 앨리스가 집에 없던 어느날 밤, 아일린은 그에게 여자친구가 있는지 물었고, 그는 웃으며 말했다. “왜 그런 걸 물어 봐? 난 현명하고 나이든 남자야. 기억나?” 아일린은 소파에 누워 있었고, 고개를 들지 않은 채 쿠션을 그에게 던졌다. 그는 손으로 쿠션을 잡았다. “나이가 많은 거지. 현명하진 않아.” 그녀가 말했다.

 

  When Eileen was in her second year, Simon moved to Dublin to study for a legal qualification. Eileen invited him to the apartment one night to introduce him to Alice, and he brought with him a box of expensive chocolates and a bottle of white wine. One night, when Alice wasn’t there, Eileen asked him if he had a girlfriend, and he laughed and said, What makes you ask that? I’m a wise old man, remember? Eileen was lying on the sofa, and without lifting her head she tossed a cushion at him, which he caught in his hands. Just old, she said. Not wise.

 

  아일린이 20살이 됐을 때, 남자와 처음으로 섹스를 했다. 인터넷에서 만난 남자였다. 바로 그녀는 그 남자의 집에서 나와 혼자사는 아파트로 돌아왔다. 늦었고, 거의 새벽 2시였고, 거리는 황폐했다. 집에 돌아왔을 때, 앨리스가 소파에서 노트북을 들고 뭔가를 쓰고 있었다. 아일린은 거실 문짝에 기대 말했다. “글쎄, 이상해.” 앨리스는 타자를 멈췄다. “뭐? 그 사람이랑 잤어?” 앨리스가 말했다. 아일린은 손바닥으로 팔 윗쪽을 문질렀다. “그 사람은 내게 옷을 계속 입으라고 했어.” 그녀가 말했다. “뭐, 전부 다.” 앨리스는 아일린을 바라봤다. “이런 인간들은 어디서 찾는 거야?” 땅을 바라보며 아일린은 어깨를 으쓱했다. 앨리스는 소파에서 일어나 “속상해 하지 마.”라고 말했다. “별 일 아니야. 아무 일도 아니야. 2주면 잊어버릴 걸.” 아일린은 앨리스의 작은 어깨에 머리를 기댔다.

 

  When Eileen was twenty, she had sex for the first time, with a man she had met on the Internet. Afterward she walked back from his house to her apartment alone. It was late, almost two o’clock in the morning, and the streets were deserted. When she got home, Alice was sitting on the couch typing something on her laptop. Eileen leaned on the jamb of the living-room door and said, Well, that was weird. Alice stopped typing. What, did you sleep with him? she said. Eileen was rubbing her upper arm with the palm of her hand. He asked me to keep my clothes on, she said. Like, for the whole thing. Alice stared at her. Where do you find these people? she said. Looking at the floor, Eileen shrugged her shoulders. Alice got up from the sofa then. Don’t feel bad, she said. It’s not a big deal. It’s nothing. In two weeks you’ll have forgotten about it. Eileen rested her head on Alice’s small shoulder. 

 

  사이먼은 그해 여름 파리에서 살면서, 기후 비상 그룹에서 일하고 있었다.   아일린은 그를 보러 갔다. 처음으로 혼자 비행기를탔다. 둘은 공항에서 만났고 기차를 타 도시로 갔다. 그날 밤 둘은 사이먼의 아파트에서 와인을 마셨다. 그녀는 그에게 어떻게 처녀성을 잃었는지 이야기했다. 그는 웃었고, 웃어서 미안하다고 말했다. 둘은 침대에 함께 누웠다. 잠시 정적이 흐른 뒤, 아일린이 말했다. “이제 네게 물어볼 거야. 너는 어떻게 순결을 잃었는지. 하지만 곧바로 난 전부 알게 됐지. 넌 아직 그래본 적도 없어.” 아일린이 말했다. 그가 웃었다. “아니, 그런 적 있어.” 그가 말했다. 잠시 동안 그녀는 천장을 향해 얼굴을 들고 조용히 누워 숨을 쉬었다. “넌 카톨릭 신자잖아.” 그녀가 말했다. 둘은 어깨를 만지작거리며 가까이 누워 있었다. “맞아.” 그가 대답했다. “성 아우구스티누스가 뭐라고 할까? 주여, 제게 정절을 주세요. 아직은 말고요.” 

  

  Simon was living in Paris that summer, working for a climate-emergency group. Eileen went to visit him there, the first time she had ever been on a plane alone. He met her at the airport and they took a train into the city. That night they drank a bottle of wine in his apartment and she told him the story of how she lost her virginity. He laughed and apologized for laughing. They were lying on the bed in his room together. After a pause, Eileen said, I was going to ask how you lost your virginity. But then, for all I know, you still haven’t, she said. He smiled at that. No, I have, he said. For a few seconds she lay quietly with her face turned up toward the ceiling, breathing. Even though you’re Catholic, she said. They were lying close together, their shoulders almost touching. Right, he answered. What does St. Augustine say? Lord, give me chastity, but not yet.

 

  졸업 후, 아일린은 아일랜드 문학 석사 과정을 시작했다. 앨리스는 커피숍에서 일하며 소설을 쓰기 시작했다. 둘은 여전히 같이살고 있었고, 저녁에 아일린이 저녁식사를 만드는 동안 앨리스는 가끔씩 아일린이 쓴 대본의 훌륭한 농담을 큰소리로 읽었다. 파리에서 사이먼은 여자친구와 살게 됐다. 나탈리라는 프랑스 여자였다. 아일린은 석사를 마치고 서점에 취직해, 짐을 실은 트롤리를 끌고 가게를 가로질러 내려놓았다. 그리고 베스트셀러 소설들의 개별 복사본에 접착 가격 스티커를 각각 붙였다. 

 

  After graduating, Eileen started a master’s degree in Irish literature, and Alice got a job in a coffee shop and began writing a novel. They were still living together, and in the evenings Alice sometimes read aloud the good jokes from her manuscript while Eileen was cooking dinner. In Paris, Simon had moved in with his girlfriend, a French woman named Natalie. After her master’s, Eileen got a job in a bookstore, wheeling loaded trolleys across the shop floor to be unloaded and placing individual adhesive price stickers onto individual copies of best-selling novels. 

 

  아일린과 앨리스가 24살이었을 때, 앨리스는 25만 달러(2억 9,000만 원)에 미국 책 계약에 사인했다. 그녀는 출판업계의 누구도 돈에 대해 아는 사람이 없다고 말했다. 그들이 그 돈을 줄 만큼 멍청하다면, 그녀는 그 돈을 가져갈 만큼 탐욕스럽다고 말했다. 

 

  When they were twenty-four, Alice signed an American book deal for two hundred and fifty thousand dollars. She said that no one in the publishing industry knew anything about money, and that if they were stupid enough to give it to her she was avaricious enough to take it.

 

  아일린은 케빈이라는 박사 과정 학생과 사귀고 있었다. 그를 통해, 급여는 적지만 흥미로운 직업을 구했다. 문학 잡지의 보조편집자 일이었다. 처음엔 단지 복사본 편집만 했지만, 몇 달이 지나자 새로운 작품을 의뢰할 수 있게 됐다. 그리고 연말엔 편집장이 그녀에게 글을 기고하라고 요청했다. 아일린은 생각해보겠다고 말했다. 그 무렵 로라는 사업 컨설턴트 회사에서 일했고매튜라는 남자친구를 만나고 있었다. 

 

  Eileen was dating a Ph.D. student named Kevin, and through him had found a low-paid but interesting job as an editorial assistant at a literary magazine. At first she was only copy editing, but after a few months they allowed her to start commissioning new pieces, and at the end of the year the editor invited her to contribute some of her own writing. Eileen said she would think about it. Lola was working at a management-consultancy firm by then and had a boyfriend called Matthew.

 

 어느날 밤 로라는 아일린을 저녁 식사에 초대했다. 퇴근 후 목요일 저녁, 셋은 점점 밤이 짙게 깔리는 서늘한 거리에서 45분을기다렸다. 로라가 특별히 가고 싶다고 말한 새로 생긴 버거 식당에 들어가기 위해서였다. 로라는 아일린에게 커리어 계획에 관해물었고 아일린은 잡지 회사에서 행복하다고 했다. “그래, 지금은 그렇지.” 로라는 말했다. “다음은?” 아일린은 모르겠다고 말했다. 로라는 미소를 머금으며 말했다. “언젠가 너는 진짜 세상에서 살아야 한다고 했지.” 아일린은 그날 밤 집으로 돌아와, 소파에서 그녀의 책을 읽고 있는 앨리스를 발견했다. “앨리스.” 아일린이 말했다. “나 언젠간 진짜 세상에서 살아야 해?” 보지도않고, 앨리스는 코웃음을 치며 답했다. “세상에, 뭐야. 절대로 아니지. 누가 그런 말을 했어?” 

 

  She invited Eileen to have dinner with them in town one night. On a Thursday evening after work, the three of them waited forty-five minutes on an increasingly dark and chilly street to be seated in a new burger restaurant that Lola particularly wanted to try. When the burgers arrived, they tasted normal. Lola asked Eileen about her career plans and Eileen said she was happy at the magazine. Right, for now, Lola said. But what’s next? Eileen told her she didn’t know. Lola made a smiling face and said, One day you’re going to have to live in the real world. Eileen walked back to the apartment that night and found Alice on the sofa, working on her book. Alice, she said, am I going to have to live in the real world one day? Without looking up, Alice snorted and said, Jesus, no, absolutely not. Who told you that?

 

  다음 해 9월, 아일린은 어머니에게서 사이먼과 나탈리가 헤어졌다는 소식을 들었다. 둘은 그때까지 4년을 사귀었다. 아일린은 그들이 결혼할 줄 알았다고 앨리스에게 말했다. “나는 걔들이 결혼할 거라고 늘 생각했어.” 그렇게 말하곤 했다. 그러면 앨리스는 이렇게 답했다. “맞아, 너 그렇게 말한 적 있어.” 아일린은 사이먼에게 안부 메일을 보냈다. 그리고 사이먼이 답장을 보냈다. “조만간 파리에 오진 않겠지? 네가 정말 보고 싶어.”

 

  The following September, Eileen found out from her mother that Simon and Natalie had broken up. They had been together for four years by then. Eileen told Alice she had thought they would get married. I always thought they were going to get married, she would say. And Alice would answer, Yeah, you’ve mentioned that. Eileen sent Simon an e-mail asking how he was, and he wrote back: I don’t suppose you’re going to find yourself in Paris anytime soon? I would really like to see you.

 

  핼러윈에, 아일린은 사이먼과 며칠을 함께 보내러 그에게 갔다. 그때 그는 30살이었고 그녀는 25살이었다. 둘은 낮에 같이 박물관에 갔고 예술과 정치에 관해 얘기했다. 그녀가 나탈리에 관해 물어볼 때마다, 그는 자신을 내세우지 않으며 가볍게 답했고, 주제를 바꿨다. 오르세 박물관에 같이 앉았을 때, 아일린은 그에게 말했다. “너는 나의 모든 걸 알고 있어. 나는 너에 관해 아무것도 몰라.” 그는 괴로워 보이는 미소를 띠며 대답했다. “아, 이제 너는 나탈리처럼 말하네.” 그리고 그는 웃으며 미안하다고 말했다. 그가 나탈리의 이름을 언급한 유일한 순간이었다. 아침에 그는 커피를 끓였고, 밤엔 아일린은 그의 침대에서 잤다. 사랑을 나눈 뒤에, 그는 한동안 그녀를 끌어안고 있기를 좋아했다. 아일린이 더블린에 돌아가던 날, 그녀는 남자친구와 헤어졌다. 사이먼에게선 아무런 연락이 없었다. 그가 크리스마스에 아일린의 가족이 사는 집에 와서 브랜디를 마시고 트리를 장식을 칭찬하기 전까지 말이다.

 

  At Halloween, she went to stay with him for a few days. He was thirty by then and she was twenty-five. They went out to museums together in the afternoons and talked about art and politics. Whenever she asked him about Natalie he responded lightly, self-effacingly, and changed the subject. Once, when they were sitting together in the Musée d’Orsay, Eileen said to him, You know everything about me, and I know nothing about you. With a pained-looking smile he answered, Ah, now you sound like Natalie. Then he laughed and said sorry. That was the only time he mentioned her name. In the mornings he made coffee, and at night Eileen slept in his bed. After they made love, he liked to hold her for a long time. The day she arrived back in Dublin, she broke up with her boyfriend. She didn’t hear anything from Simon again until he came over to her family home at Christmas to drink a glass of brandy and admire the tree.

 

  여름에 그들의 친구인 시아라의 아파트에서 파티가 열렸다. 그곳에서 아일린은 에이던이란 남자를 만났다. 에이던의 머리카락은 짙고 숱이 많았다. 그는 리넨 바지를 입었고, 더러운 테니스화를 신고 있었다. 결국 두 사람은 그날 밤 늦게까지 부엌에 함께 앉아 어린 시절에 관해 얘기했다. “우리 가족은 논의하질 않아.” 에이던이 말했다. “모든 것이 수면 아래 있어. 아무것도 드러나지 않아. 더 따라줄까?” 아일린은 그가 그녀의 잔에 레드와인을 따르는 모습을 바라봤다. “우리 가족도 별로 얘기하지 않아.” 그녀가 말했다. “가끔 노력한다고 생각하지만, 어떻게 해야 하는지는 몰라.”

 

  In the summer, at a party in their friend Ciara’s apartment, Eileen met a man named Aidan. He had thick dark hair and wore linen trousers and dirty tennis shoes. They ended up sitting in the kitchen together until late that night, talking about childhood. In my family we just don’t discuss things, Aidan said. Everything is below the surface, nothing comes out. Can I refill that for you? Eileen watched him pouring a measure of red wine into her glass. We don’t really talk about things in my family, either, she said. Sometimes I think we try, but we don’t know how.

 

  밤이 다 갈 무렵, 아일린과 에이던은 같은 방향으로 집으로 걸어갔다. 그리고 그는 그녀를 아파트 문까지 데려다줬다. “잘 지내.” 헤어질 때 그가 말했다. 며칠 뒤, 그들은 단둘이서 만나 술을 마셨다. 에이던은 음악가이자 사운드 엔지니어였다. 그는 자신의 작품에 관해, 룸메이트에 관해, 엄마와의 관계에 관해, 그가 사랑하고 미워하는 여러 가지 것들에 관해 얘기했다. 함께 말하는 동안 아일린은 많이 웃었고, 활기찬 표정을 지었고, 입을 만지거나, 의자에 앉아 몸을 앞으로 내밀기도 했다. 그녀가 그날 밤 집으로 돌아갔을 때, 에이던이 메시지를 보냈다. “넌 정말 얘기를 잘 들어줘! 그리고 내가 말을 너무 많이 해서 미안해. 우리 또 만날 수 있을까?”

 

  At the end of the night, Eileen and Aidan walked home in the same direction, and he saw her to her apartment door. Take care of yourself, he said when they parted. A few days later, they met for a drink, just the two of them. He was a musician and a sound engineer. He talked to her about his work, about his flatmates, about his relationship with his mother, about various things he loved and hated. While they spoke, Eileen laughed a lot and looked animated, touching her mouth, leaning forward in her seat. After she got home that night Aidan sent her a message reading: you are such a good listener! wow! and I talk too much, sorry. can we see each other again?

 

  그 다음주에 둘은 술을 마시러 갔고, 한 잔 더 하러 갔다. 에이던의 아파트 온 바닥 곳곳에는 얽히고 설킨 수많은 검은 선들이 있었고, 그의 침대는 그냥 매트리스였다. 가을에 둘은 며칠 동안 플로렌스에 갔고, 성당의 시원한 곳을 걸었다. 

 

  They went for another drink the following week, and then another. Aidan’s apartment had a lot of tangled black cables all over the floor and his bed was just a mattress. In the autumn, they went to Florence for a few days and walked through the cool of the cathedral together. 

 

  어느 날 밤 아일린이 저녁 식사에서 재치 있는 말(a witty remark)을 했을 때, 에이던은 보라색 냅킨(a purple serviette)으로 눈을 닦아야 할 만큼 많이 웃었다. 그는 그녀에게 사랑한다고 말했다. “인생의 모든 것이 믿을 수 없을 만큼 아름다워.”라고, 아일린은 친구 앨리스에게 메시지를 썼다. “믿을 수 없어. 이렇게 행복할 수 있다니.” 

 

  One night when she made a witty remark at dinner, he laughed so much that he had to wipe his eyes with a purple serviette. He told her that he loved her. Everything in life is incredibly beautiful, Eileen wrote in a message to Alice. I can’t believe it’s possible to be so happy. 

 

  그 무렵 사이먼은 더블린으로 돌아와 좌파 의회 단체(a left-wing parliamentary group)의 정책 고문으로 일했다. 아일린은 가끔씩 버스에 있거나 길을 건너는 그를 보았다. 그의 팔은 아름다운 여자나 혹은 또다른 여자를 감싸고 있었다. 크리스마스 전에, 아일린은 에이던과 함께 이사했다. 그는 그녀의 책 박스를 자동차 뒤에서 꺼내 옮기며 자랑스럽게 말했다. “네 두뇌의 무게야.” 

 

  Simon moved back to Dublin around that time to work as a policy adviser for a left-wing parliamentary group. Eileen saw him sometimes on the bus, or crossing a street, his arm around one good-looking woman or another. Before Christmas, Eileen and Aidan moved in together. He carried her boxes of books from the back of his car and said proudly, The weight of your brain. 

 

  그 다음 3년 동안, 아일린과 에이던은 남부 도시 중심의 침대가 하나 있는 아파트에서 살았다. 해외 영화를 불법으로 내려받으며, 집세를 어떻게 나눌지 논쟁을 벌였고, 돌아가면서 요리하고 설거지를 했다. 아일린의 여동생 로라는 매튜와 약혼했다. 앨리스는 돈이 되는 문학상을 수상했고, 뉴욕으로 이사했으며, 하루 중 이상한 시간에 아일린에게 이메일을 보내기 시작했다. 

 

  For the next three years, Eileen and Aidan lived in a one-bedroom apartment in the south city center, illegally downloading foreign films, arguing about how to split the rent, taking turns cooking and washing up. Lola and Matthew got engaged. Alice won a lucrative literary award, moved to New York, and started sending Eileen e-mails at strange hours of the day and night. 

 

  12월에 사이먼은 아일린에게 전화를 걸었다. 그는 앨리스가 더블린으로 돌아왔고 정신병원(a psychiatric hospital)에 입원했다고 말했다. 아일린은 소파에 앉아 전화기를 귀에 갖다 대고 있었다. 그동안 에이던은 싱크대에 있었고, 수돗물로 그릇을 헹구고 있었다. 아일린과 사이먼이 대화를 마친 다음에, 그녀는 전화기 옆에 앉아 아무 말도 하지 않았다. 그리고 사이먼 역시 아무런 말이 없었다. 둘 다 침묵했다. “맞아.” 결국은 그가 말을 꺼냈다. “너를 보내줄게.” 

 

  In December, Simon called Eileen and told her that Alice was back in Dublin and had been admitted to a psychiatric hospital. Eileen was sitting on the sofa, her phone held to her ear, while Aidan was at the sink, rinsing a plate under the tap. After she and Simon had finished speaking, she sat there on the phone, saying nothing, and he said nothing. They were both silent. Right, he said eventually. I’ll let you go. 

 

  몇 주 뒤에, 아일린과 에이던은 헤어졌다. 그는 그녀에게 이렇게 말했다. 많은 일이 일어나고 있고, 그래서 둘 다 공간이 필요하다고. 에이던은 부모님과 살러 갔다. 아일린은 결혼한 부부와 함께 침실 2개짜리 아파트로 이사 갔다. 로라와 매튜는 여름에 작은 결혼식을 올리기로 결정했다. 

 

  A few weeks later, Eileen and Aidan broke up. He told her there was a lot going on and they both needed space. He went to live with his parents, and she moved into a two-bedroom apartment with a married couple. Lola and Matthew decided to have a small wedding in the summer. 

 

  사이먼은 즉시 답신을 보내 아일린을 점심 식사에 데리고 나갔다. 그는 자신의 사생활은 비밀로 했다. 때는 4월이었다. 아일린의 친구들 가운데 몇몇은 최근 더블린을 떠났거나 떠나려 하고 있었다. 그녀는 버튼이 달린 짙은 녹색 드레스를 입거나, 벨트를 두른 노란 드레스를 입고 작별 파티에 참석했다. 

 

  Simon went on answering his correspondence promptly, taking Eileen out for lunch now and then, and keeping his personal life to himself. It was April, and several of Eileen’s friends had recently left or were in the process of leaving Dublin. She attended the leaving parties, wearing her dark-green dress with the buttons, or her yellow dress with the matching belt.

 

  전등 갓이 있는 천장이 낮은 거실에서, 사람들은 그녀에게 부동산 시장(the property market)에 관해 얘기했다. “내 여동생이 6월이 결혼해.” 그녀는 사람들에게 이렇게 말하곤 했다. “설레겠네. 동생 덕분에 정말로 행복하겠어.” 그들이 대답했다. 아일린은 답했다. “그래, 재밌겠지. 나는 아니야.” 

 

  In living rooms with low ceilings and paper lampshades, people talked to her about the property market. My sister’s getting married in June, she would tell them. That’s exciting, they would reply. You must be so happy for her. Yeah, it’s funny, Eileen would say. I’m not.